Not An Inspirational Blog About CRPS
By Guest Blogger Melissa Lanty
Sometimes, all of the positive, wishful thinking blogs can be too much, especially for members of the community that are feeling frustrated. Melissa is here to let you know that you are allowed to be frustrated and aggravated and that everything is not always sunshine and rainbows in the world of CRPS
If you are looking for the positive, inspirational story then I suggest you stop reading, this isn’t it. I am out of examples of ways I’ve overcome this illness, I have no “bright side” to share today. Today I am mourning, today I grieve. I don’t want the positive encouragement, I don’t want the pity, I just want you to understand that I’m never going to be able to move on, or get over the girl I was before this, the girl I could’ve been if this never happened to me. Some days it’ll be easier for me to accept the sick version of me, some days I might even be great, but today just isn’t one of those days and that needs to be okay too.
I watch others thrive and excel doing the things I used to love, the things I used to be able to do. Knowing I can never do those things anymore. It hurts. You try to give me hope and tell me “never say never” that hurts even more. That girl is gone, she can’t come back. Telling me to “be positive”, saying “it could be worse”, and to “look on the bright side”. So, I force and smile and agree knowing that makes you feel better, and really, it’s just made me feel worse. I know you want me to be okay, I know you care, I love you for that I do, but sometimes I just need to be sad, I just need to grieve, and mourn. I’m not the girl I used to be, CRPS has stolen the life I could have, should have had. Most days I put on my brave face and I face the world, but today I just can’t.
I need you to know that it’s okay for me to feel this way. I need you to know there is nothing you can do. I don’t need to be shielded, pitied, or consoled. I don’t need positive reinforcement or suggestions about what new meds or therapies I should try. I just need you to say, “you’re right, this disease sucks” and let me cry. You don’t have to try to make me feel better, you don’t need to cheer me up, it won’t work anyway, and I just need to get this out. I need to grieve and mourn. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to put my brave face back on. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have some positive vibes to share, but today isn’t one of those days.